It is hard to say you are sorry. Many of us struggle to find the best way to say we are sorry when something happens in our lives. Some people lose years of their lives being estranged from a friend or family member because they don’t know how to say they are sorry. For some, saying you are sorry can be life-changing for both parties, so why is it so hard, especially in the area of healthcare.
I have been thinking about apologies lately and wondered why no one ever apologized to me when it was learned that during week 5 of my chemotherapy treatment, I sustained bilateral foot drop and neuropathy that was attributed to the chemotherapy being used to treat my cancer.
What I have realized from my experience is that as a Brain Tumor cancer survivor, I am fortunate. I realize this and grateful I had a good outcome after being diagnosed with a Central Nervous System Brain Tumor. Yet, despite a good outcome, I have been left with bilateral foot drop and neuropathy. Yes, the chemo saved my life, but it also changed my life and forced me to give up things that were important to me.
I am not writing this post to gain sympathy or have people feel sorry for me, but to use my experience to show how important it is for all of us to realize that saying you are sorry as an integral part of our treatment and the healing process.
Acknowledging a complication occurred, saying you are sorry, that you are going to investigate why this happened and work to prevent this from happening again, is a good way for all (the patient, the family, and the care team) to start the healing process when things happen.
Saying you are sorry acknowledges something went wrong. It shows you have empathy for the person. Taking the time to talk about the problem instead of ignoring it, helps the person adjust and learn ways to improve their circumstances. People are very resilient and do amazing things when given the chance.
Four years later, I have to say I still wonder if I could have done something to prevent what happened. Did I drink enough fluids while I was getting chemo? Could I have moved more to keep my strength up? I don’t know the answers, and because no one ever talked to me about this, leave me wondering ‘what if’. The neuropathy and the foot drop is a constant reminder that something is ‘not normal.’
I am sure many people living with complications from their treatment wonder why did this happen to them? Up until recently, we (the healthcare team) have not been encouraged to talk about the problems/complications that happen to people. We have been told to be quiet and not address these issues for fear of repercussions. Those with complications are left to wonder what happened, find ways to move forward and live with their new normal the best they can.
As we move toward a more patient-centered healthcare culture, the healthcare team is encouraged to communicate, to be empathic, have positive thoughts and to work with their patients to address the problem and not hide or ignore it.
It is my hope patients and their family members are being empowered to ask the healthcare team what happened – and what is being done to prevent problems from occurring. We also have to help people move forward. Doing these things will help everyone to heal and improve the work we do.
I am really doing well, and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I write this post because I wanted to share my experience with patients, families, and members of the healthcare team to be mindful. I want all members of the healthcare team to realize how powerful saying you are sorry is. It is a way the human way to communicate and foster healing as we and our patients move forward.
The point is not to assign blame, but to acknowledge that the person who has had something happen to them. To be open to what happened and to help them feel cared for and not left alone
Saying you are sorry won’t take the problem away – but it will let the person and their family know your care and that they are not alone. There is a team who will help you cope and move forward.
Thank you for reading Nurse Advocate. Please let me know your thoughts on this topic.
As always, this was not only true but thought provoking.
I think healthcare professionals are afraid the say they’re sorry due to risk of a legal action.
They fear that family and the patient will retaliate- having something go wrong during a healthcare illness is a highly emotionally charged time. Data shows however that people are less likely to sue if they know the truth and are told by their healthcare team.
We should all read “The Power of Apology”…., a short powerful book that not only expands on the topic but provides ways to both apologize and forgive
Thanks Sharyn…good to hear from you.
JC requires to be transparent and out of adult manners, sorry is necessary. It has been identified that saying sorry, sometimes wards off a law suet. Loved ones deserve to receive truth and allow them to work through their loss. Manners, compassion, and empathy are extremely necessary. Not saying you are sorry or excuse me is asking for a complaint or dissatisfaction. Always put yourself in the family’s situation and treat one like you want to be treated.
Thank you, Catherine
Well said, Anne. I couldn’t agree with you more!! Something as simple as those two powerful words, “I’m sorry” need to become part of everyone’s vocabulary in the healthcare field … from the hourly workers right up to the Doctors, Surgeons, and treatment center staff. A simple acknowledgment of the repercussions goes a long way to heal the heart. Sadly, most medical workers think it’s applying blame, that “they” did something wrong, when in fact, it’s the total opposite. They did their best, and that was all they could really do. Thankfully it was enough to spare your life, but it still came with life altering consequences that should be properly acknowledged and addressed. We need to be able to take what we’ve learned from our healthcare outcomes and use it to help others. To make them aware of what COULD happen during their treatment. Knowledge is power and the more we know as patients, the better we become at working with our medical team to produce better outcomes and better results. Thank you for sharing this!
Thanks for your comment Bonnie…..
Most powerful word in a relationship is “I’m Sorry”. It gives the receiver validation of their importance and it gives the sender a feeling of humility, which is good for the growth of the sender. We can be sorry that an event happened, it doesn’t confir respossibility for it!
Thank you Anne for another thought provoking opportunity.
I made a complaint to the Director of the Cancer Center related to my first Oncology appt. The physician was very helpful to my Homecare patients as Case Manager and I was thrilled to have her as my doc. As a RN I had many questions etc. and she literally yelled at me with my husband and a medical student with their mouths hanging open in shock by her behavior. The Director apologized and I gave her another chance as I thought maybe a dear patient died that day etc. So a week or so later I was getting my bone marrow biopsy done by the most amazing doc ever, and he saw her and he poked his head out of room and said “do you want to say hi to Mrs. McAdams she is going to have her bone marrow biopsy now?” The mean oncologist says “no!” Then the amazing doc proceeded to scold her for showing no compassion or respect to her patients and he was so angry at her and he said to me he was sorry for her behavior. I knew then it wasn’t my fault for sure that we had a confrontation. I called the Director again and made another complaint and told him I will be transferring to the U of M Cancer Center as I deserve to be treated with respect. I did receive a call from the mean oncologist apologizing and she asked if we could start over and I told again thank you for all the wonderful care to my patients, but I have decided to see another physician. She profusely apologized. I really felt it was forced and simply driven by my potential dollars to be brought in to the Cancer Center. I will never know the reason, but I think now she must hate nurses!
Although I always try to remain both polite and professional, we all need empathy in touch situations. I developed a habit of telling my case managed patients, both in acute care and outpatient settings, “I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I will do my best to walk with you through this.” Then we would discuss their needs and possible solutions. Sometimes it is seeing their immediate need and responding. One patient has come to epitomize to me the need for “practical empathy.” As I walked toward her room, the staff at the front desk (including the charge nurse) predicted I would be thrown out of the patient’s room within 2 minutes of entering. When I opened the door, I greeted the patient by name. She was elderly and sitting up in the hospital bed with the gown drooping off her tiny little shoulders. I immediately said, “You look cold–could I get you an extra blanket?” She said, “I am freezing and my back hurts–the nurses said there weren’t any extra pillows or blankets for me.” I stepped briefly into my role as a nurse (I am a CCM as well). I located a blanket and pillow, and arranged her pillows and bed for her comfort. That effort took me less than five minutes. I would have asked the staff nurses for assistance, but their attitudes reflected dismissal of her as a “crank.” Once her needs were met, it was easy to do receive her consent for CM and to complete my assessment. We all (including myself) need to remind ourselves that people are not “cases,” and individual needs must be respected. Momentary compassion can increase our effectiveness with individuals.